It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
some things should go without saying
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!