Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
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Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead