My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?