Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle