Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
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No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?