@bingowings14

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

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@DurtMcHurtt

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

@mxmclain

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

@InternetHippo

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

@oneawkwardmom

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

@KentWGraham

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

@theDanLawler

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

@0point5twins

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

@UnfilteredMama

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

@UncleDuke1969

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”