*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

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Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.


Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.


I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.


No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.


“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”


Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.


Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present: