Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
You Might Also Like
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.