*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.