My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!