No, I don’t think I will.
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
🤣🤣
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…