[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
is this a warning or an offer?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.