I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.