I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
tourist season
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.