I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?