Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
You Might Also Like
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
liiiiiiiiike
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke