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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
#DesignFail
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Well, shit
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Does beer think about me too?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store