liiiiiiiiike
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i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
All right then, keep your secrets
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Asking the real questions!
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho