‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?