When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
dictator is short for richard potato
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I will never stop laughing at this
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.