there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check