I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.