Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach