“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.