Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
He’s dead
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*