A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
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I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
My what?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
pls suprot
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you