The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.