i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.