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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom