me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable