walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
You Might Also Like
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The Punning Dead.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)