Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.