fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour