“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Sunday
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about