I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
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Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Confused owl: What?!
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
This is sending me to another galaxy
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…