Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.