The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa