The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.