Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas