Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Pot warmers of the day.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
This week’s mood.