How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no