I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]