The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
love pickles so much i put myself in one
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Important reminders
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.