you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
You Might Also Like
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.