hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
You Might Also Like
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
pizza
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
So glad we cleared that up
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”