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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.