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There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor