The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
I’m an avid indoorsman.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot