The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
You might just have to resign…
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂