Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
A classic…
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.