When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
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Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I鈥檓 not sure strep throat is THAT bad
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
thanksgiving in nutshell
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it鈥檚 been seriously cracking me up.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
yeah but what if it 饾椂饾榾 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn鈥檛 like 饾槅饾椉饾槀
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I鈥檓 sorry for a lot of things but I鈥檓 not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!