Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis