I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.