Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit