“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
hmmm
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.