“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*


Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.


yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day


when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”


50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.


My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.


I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.