@DandyTruman

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

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@UncleDuke1969

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

@weinerdog4life

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

@BlondeCalamity

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

@English_Channel

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

@SamGrittner

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@dadmann_walking

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

@ilovecuredmeats

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

@yourlovemuscle

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

@dshack8

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.