“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

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Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:



Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.


My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.


me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?


People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.


When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.


accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.


Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.


(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.


KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.