What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
You Might Also Like
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Confused owl: What?!
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
You wish you had this many chins.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?