What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
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A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My biological clock is wheezing.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?