I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!